I’m afraid it’ll be no easy feat to watch me degrade and then lie still and then have to work through that pain and grief and figure out what to do with me at the end of it all. 

So I’ll make it easy for you, my darlings. 

First, what you will want to do is easy; you’ve already done it; you’ve opened this document and have begun reading. 

Second, read through it entirely and make your decision on how best to deal with me. 

You. Must. Be. Unanimous. 

I have reasonably strong ideas on how each of you will answer, and I’m wise enough still as I write this to know that you would not agree on one, so as your father’s last wish: 

Come. Be Together. Hug,

when you make your choice. 

I will wait patiently to hear what you guys chose.

I can’t wait to hear your voices again. 

Embalming/ Mummification - Archaic, but your mother loves Ancient Egypt!

• The Egyptian way of doing things: bandages, surgery, the ‘Mummiform’ and all. My body is shipped and worked upon through an ancient practice called ‘Summum,’ just like every Pharaoh who came before me. 

Visiting and Remembering Considerations 

• Through the modern way, you would have an open-casket viewing of my old, grey hair and wrinkly face of years of Psoriasis. However, in this way, you won’t have to do any of that! Instead, I am wrapped entirely in grey bandages and shoved into a legitimate sarcophagus buried deep beneath a chapel. 

Level of Mindfulness, Comfort and Expenses. 

• The expenses are ~ $40,000 - $50,000, paid directly to the last practising Summum organization based in Utah, of all flipping places. It would take anywhere from six months to a year for the process to wrap up. It is a little discomforting being shipped to Utah, but man, imagine what the grandkids’ll think when you say I’ve been mummified. 

Aquatic Habitat - Daughter, this one is for you; I can feel it even now. 

• This neat trick is called an: ‘Eternal Reef’ I would first be cremated, then mixed into some marine-grade cement and placed strategically in a struggling habitat and ecosystem, creating an eternal reef for millions of fish and shallow sea life.

Visiting and Remembering Considerations 

• These reefs are primarily placed in southern America, around Florida, so visiting by scuba diving is a very real and enjoyable possibility. It would similarly be an incredible way to remember me, knowing I would only take up space in your hearts and under the ocean. 

Level of Mindfulness, Comfort and Expenses

• The mindfulness would be momentous here, knowing I would forever act as a glue, keeping a structure and family together. Much like I did in life, so I continue in death. The expenses, however, no such cost greater than that of keeping our house together, so you’ll be fine. 

Turned Into a Tree! - Son, this one is for you.  

• This inspired choice is called: ‘Capsula Mundi,’ meaning ‘World’s Capsule.’ I would be placed, in my entirety and as I lay right now, into a capsule of fertile soil with a type of tree, chosen by you, growing out of it. 

Visiting and Remembering Considerations. 

• Far more than any that came before, it would be the most easily visitable. As I would be truly part of the tree growing from what nutrients I gave to it, ageless but no less wrinkly! You and your kids could visit me whenever and as often as you desire.      Hell, build a tree house into my branches if you ever wanted to sleep on my chest like we did when I first adopted you guys and held my grandchildren. 

Level of Mindfulness, Comfort, and Expenses

• I would supply a breath of fresh air for you every day and night as you open a window or stroll outside while giving you much-needed shade on a hot afternoon. Rest easy under my boughs to the idea that instead of uselessness in a dusty graveyard, I remain useful and a home for thousands of animals to come. For about $500, and a little time waiting for shipping, you could plant me wherever. (The intricacies are wild, though. Just know it is not you that must put me in the capsule – read the fine print)

Some Honourable Mentions:

Cremated - Boring 

Buried - Blasé 

Donated To Science/Medical - Don’t forsake me like this; I adopted you guys for a reason, and nobody wants my parts.